Navigating Relationship Dialectics: Strategies for Managing Tensions Effectively

Introduction

• People change. It is in their nature; no one stays the same from the time that they are a baby to the time that they are old. As people change, so do relationships. Nothing is wrong with relationships that change over time because that is a natural occurrence. Think of a time you got a new toy. When you first got that toy, it was probably played with more than any other toy that you had at the time. Then, as time went on and the toy stopped being as novel, you stopped using it as much. We can see this trend and relationships as well. When a relationship first starts, it takes a lot of positive and frequent communication to build, and then, as time goes on, sometimes we see recurring problems take effect in the relationship. There are also times when life causes a relationship to change. “consider a couple in which both partners have weekends off from work. But all of the sudden, one partner needs to start working weekends due to changes in the company. This couple will need to navigate this change and figure out what is best for each of them.” (6.6 Relationship Dialectics).

• Understanding and working through tensions throughout any relationship, specifically and our case sibling relationships, is extremely important. Think of a suspension bridge. When cars and people cross over a suspension bridge, it creates tension on the wires. Those wires are consistently taken care of and maintained by a group of workers. If the workers were to leave the wires alone and allow problems to arise, the wires would begin breaking from the tension, and the bridge would collapse. The same goes for sibling relationships. If you, the worker, allow problems to arise and don't address or attempt to resolve them, your relationship will collapse like a suspension bridge.

• To help with resolving tensions, people use dialectics. “Dialectical tension is how individuals deal with struggles and their relationships. There are opposing forces or struggles that couples have to deal with.” (6.6 Relationship Dialectics). Dialectical tension is essentially the way that people manage the tensions that may arise in a relationship. To understand said tensions that may arise, let's look at some dialectical tensions that you may or may not use.

  
  

Understanding Relationship Dialectics

• “Understanding that dialectical tensions are at play in all relationships is a first step in understanding how our relationships work. Since the way we communicate our needs (or don’t communicate them) and respond to the needs of others can have both a short and long-term impact on our relationships, we need to learn how to manage dialectics to enhance relationship satisfaction.” (6.6 Relationship Dialectics). Dialectics are opposing needs or desires that coexist in our relationships. The push and pull effect that they have allows us to have a tight and strong bond in our relationships.

• These dialectics are especially significant in sibling relationships due to the shared history and lifelong bonds that you have. Author Prophecy Coles shows the importance of a sibling bond in her book, Sibling Relationships, extremely well when she describes an assignment that her grandson does: “One of my grandsons (aged seven) was recently asked to write on “My Family” at school. He was given no instruction as to how he should approach the topic. His opening sentences went something like this. “I have a sister who is very beautiful (aged five) and I have another sister (aged two) who has blonde curls around the back of her neck. My mother is covered in freckles.” There are many things that we might want to say about this grandson’s feelings about “My Family”, but for present purposes what is striking is that his siblings are every bit as important in his thinking, at that moment, as his mother is.”(Coles 2006).

  
  

Common Dialectical Tensions in Sibling Relationships

• Autonomy vs. Connection: “This is a need to have a close connection with others as well as our need to have our own space and identity”(6.6 Relationship Dialectics) Using my life as an example, my sister and I have a 6-year age gap. This means that outside of my first six years of life, I have had my sister by my side for about 16 years. Autonomy connection tension helps us understand that while we desire a close connection with our sibling, we also desire our own autonomy and space. for me, I was able to get my space from pursuing different extracurriculars as well as the fact that since the age gap is big enough for us to not go to school at the same time ( when I was in high school, she was not ), these moments allowed me to build my own autonomy and personality, then I would come home and be able to build my connection with my sister. Another example of having autonomy is for about 8:00 Years, my sister and I shared a room. Sharing a room helped build our connection because we shared a private space.

• Similarity Vs. Difference:   The tension of similarity and difference deals with the self versus others. Some siblings are very similar in their thinking and beliefs. “This is good because it makes communication easier and conflict resolution smoother.” (6.6 Relationship Dialectics). While this may seem like only a good thing, if siblings are too similar, then they lose out on room to grow and try new things, which shows the importance of differences. differences and similarities do not need to be drastic or very simple. For example, a similarity my sister and I have is are hair type and the fact that we both have dreads. A difference that we have I am a big fan of anime, while my sister does not care for it for the most part. While differences that are too drastic may cause a relationship to fall through, we can find common ground in our case for cartoons, such as SpongeBob or Danny Phantom.

• Predictability Vs. Novelty: Navigating the desire for predictable interactions versus growth or transformation.

  In a sibling relationship, since you spend so much time with that person it becomes very easy to predict their behaviors. such as I know that my sister is not a morning person, so asking her to get up really early in the morning will cause her to have a negative attitude. in her case, she knows that I stay up very late at night, so she knows that if she needs something from me even though it's late, I have a high likelihood of still being up. “we take comfort in a certain level of routine as a way of knowing what we can count on the other person in the relationship. Such predictability provides a sense of comfort and security.” (6.6 Relationship Dialectics).In terms of novelty, however, in sibling relationships, there is less novelty due to the amount of time spent around your sibling. It may sometimes, however, arise, in my case, the novelty that I most recently witnessed was my sister attempting to get into football after showing disdain for it for a very long time.

  
  

Different Ways of Managing Dialectical Tensions

• There are many ways to manage dialectics in a relationship. “Relational dialectics are a natural part of our relationships, and there is no one right way to understand and manage dialectical tensions since every relationship is unique.” (6.6 Relationship Dialectics). When managing dialectics, the best practice on how to engage is to think that you are not trying to eliminate contradictions, but balance them. If you only meet the needs of one person, then the other person spends the entire relationship drowning in unmet needs and desires.

  
  

Neutralizing: Compromising Between the Opposites

• The definition of neutralization is, “neutralize the extremes of dialectical tensions. Here, individuals compromise, creating a solution where neither person’s need (such as novelty or predictability) is fully satisfied.” (6.6 Relationship Dialectics)

•  Since neither individual’s needs are fully realized, no one is left out.

• When an individual's needs are not fully realized, they may feel like they are not quite getting enough from their sibling, which may cause an imbalance over an extended period of time.

  
  

Separation: Segmentation or Topic-Based Management

• When someone favors one end of the dialectical Continuum and ignores the other, or alternates between the extremes, this is defined as separation

• The COM-110 class text provides an example of separation, explaining it as “a couple in a long-distance relationship in which each person works in a different city may decide to live apart during the week (autonomy) and be together on the weekends (connection). In this sense, they are alternating between the extremes by being completely alone during the week, yet completely together on the weekends.” (6.6 Relationship Dialectics).

• A benefit to using separation as your management style is that it allows for flexibility and respects individual boundaries.

  
  

Segmentation: Division to Improve Unison

• Segmentation is defined as “This is when someone favors one end of the dialectical continuum and ignores the other, or alternates between the extremes.” (6.6 Relationship Dialectics).

• In my case, an example of segmentation would be that I spend my weekends hanging out with my friends, and save time for hanging out with my sister on weekdays, as well as holidays.

• The benefit of segmentation is that it allows you to divide needs according to different segments of your life.

  
  

Reframing: Viewing Tensions as Complimentary

• When it comes to reframing, it requires a lot of creativity in managing detention, but also in how it works in the relationship. An additional part of reframing is taking potential negative connotation out of the dialectic.

•  Let's look at how the text helped define reframing: “A couple who does not live together, for example, may agree to spend two nights of the week alone or with friends as a sign of their autonomy. The time spent alone or with others may be viewed less as a compromise and more as an opportunity to develop themselves and their own interests so that they are better able to share themselves with their partner and enhance their connection.”(6.6 Relationship Dialectics).

• Using reframing encourages growth through acceptance of complexity. and also takes out native connotation that may be brought through dialectical tension.

  
  

Applying Management Strategies in Sibling Relationships

• Siblings can reflect on their own dialectical tensions the same way that they would reflect on any other relational dialectical tension. You take notice of each other's desires and needs, and you work together to best decide on how you will manage the tension. Siblings I like should also communicate throughout the process to make sure that both people are having their needs met, as well as to make sure that no other problems arise that are not resolved.

  

• You can also look at other dialectical tension management strategies. Other strategies include denial, disorientation, alternation, recalibration, balance, integration, and reaffirmation.

• Looking at not just the four main dialectical tensions, but all dialectical tensions, you may find it easier to manage tensions that may arise between you and your sibling with a more extensive knowledge. Maybe segmentation, reframing, separation, or neutralization don't work for you, but blending different perspectives does. By blending different perspectives, you would be using integration. Or having the knowledge and accepting differences between you and your siblings has helped with managing dialectical tensions, which would be reaffirming the tension.

• Throughout the process of building and maintaining a relationship, the most important part is that you are patient with the other party. Allowing yourself to grow impatient will only cause more stress between you and your sibling and add extra tension to the relationship. While staying patient, it is also important that you make adjustments when needed throughout your relationship so that it doesn't become stale and you're also able to improve together as well as individuals in your own separate relationships.